[This is the first post for my sideblog Ibrahim The Hater... enjoy!]
Here’s the news. I’m about 120 days away from being married. I’m excited and not very nervous at all. But that’s not what I’ve decided to write about here. Read on.
Married people are a bunch of losers and douchebags. And I hate using the word douchebag, so you can imagine what I think about married people. The interesting thing about married people is that there tend to group into a few different types of douchebaggery, and I’m going to introduce you to some of those groups today.
The Narcissistic couple - This is one that really gets on my nerves. There are people out there who think that just because they are married, they have become members of some sort of elite group. All of a sudden they know so much more than me about relationships, they feel qualified to give me advice, and they are headed towards such great things in live, while somehow me not being married yet means I’m stuck. Never mind the fact that they don’t have jobs, or have low paying jobs, are in massive amounts of debt, and haven’t gone a week without arguing, nor have they had sex in 6 months. They’re married, and I’m not. End of story.
The into-each-other-so-much-it’s-sickening Couple - We all know a couple or two like this: They are the ones who have googly eyes for each other so much it makes us nauseous. They are always smiling at each other, holding hands, and kissing and such, even in the most ridiculous of occasions like church or a funeral. Everyone else is disgusted by their public displays, but they don’t care because “they’re in love…” Newsflash! As soon as you stop staring and touching each other, you’ll realize how little you even like about that person and how you’re just in love with the idea of being in love. Get over yourselves already.
The Dictatorship Couple – This is the couple that bothers me the most. I’m a really independent guy, and so is my lovely fiance. We do a lot of things alone, and we function great that way. I love having my own apartment, my own set of friends, and doing my own thing when I want. And I love spending time with her when we want to. But here’s the problem: For some reason, these types of couples think that once we are married, I can’t do my own thing anymore, nor will she. Once we are married, everything is an “us” situation, instead of a “me” situation. These dictator couples control each other so much that they project it on me, and think that this is just how things are. Which would be fine, except that they feel a need to group me into their douchebaggeryness, and tell me that I wont be playing basketball with the guys on Saturday nights anymore “unless the wife let’s me.” Let me just say one thing: When it becomes a matter of “if the wife let’s me,” there won’t be a wife anymore. Cause that’s how I roll, and you are a huge loser for giving your testicles to your wife. I’d tell you to go ask for them back, but she’d probably just take your penis away as well…
The Public Confrontation Couple – You know, the ones who don’t mind fighting in front of you, no matter how uncomfortable the situation. They yell and rant and rave and insult, all the while you’re just sitting there, dumbfounded as to how they could possibly not realize how insane they both are. The worst part is that this couple also often tend to be the so-into-each-other-it’s-sickening type, when things are going well, which makes them even more annoying. If you happen to fall into this category, you should know that nobody can stand you two as a couple, and the only reason we haven’t told you is because we don’t want to have to endure the fight that will inevitably come with said message. Also it’s because we are slowly learning to hate you.
The Passive Aggressive Couple – Trust me, you know this couple. I’d be willing to bet every single person on earth has a friend who is part of this couple. These are the ones that come to you every time they have something to complain about in their relationship. They complain and talk shit and just slander the hell out of the other person for a few hours, then go home and act like nothing happened. The worst part about these people is that they condition you to hate their partner, and you can’t just turn that shit off when they are finally on good terms again. Guess what? If you’d share with your partner half the verbal vomit you spew on us, your relationship would move a lot more smoothly, or would end abruptly. Either way is fine by us. P.S. Stop calling me!
The Facebook Couple – Though this couple isn’t really doing anything wrong, it’s just kinda gross. And maybe I am being a bit hypocritical, because there have been a time or two when I fell under this category. Anyways, on to the description. This is the couple who talks to each other so much on Facebook, leaves status updates about how in love they are and how great the other person is, and even has matching profile pictures. Oh God how I can’t stand matching profile pictures. And the funny thing is, when you look at the times they are writing these updates, you know they are at home and the other person is probably in the same room. Well I have a message for you: Nobody cares, you’re gross, get a life. And for God’s sake, and mine, please ONE of you change your profile picture. NOT BOTH OF YOU, because you’d probably just use the same pic again.
By observing these couples over the years, I think I’ve gotten a great sense of what type of marriage I want to have. And even if I can’t figure that out, at least I have the landmarks of a few types of crazy relationships so I know to steer clear. Of course, with my level of insanity, I’ll probably just cook up my own type of crazy, and our relationship will be even worse than all of these combined. One can dream, right?
So, Farah, my love, I love you so much that I hope we never become any of the types of couples described above, till death do us part. Amen.
That’s it, I’m going to play ball… anyone wanna try and stop me?
