I’ve been driving back and forth from Houston to Austin (about 185 miles) for the past couple of weekends. Over the course of these drives I’ve been able to observe many of the things people do to their cars to “mod” them. While I’ve seen many “mods” that really accentuate the look/design/drive of a car, I’ve seen far more “mods” that make cars look like piles of garbage. Some people do the douchiest things to their cars. Here is my list of top # douchiest car mods.
Huge Racing Spoiler
Remember back in the late nineties/early 2000s when Fast and Furious had everyone buying huge carbon fiber and aluminum spoilers for their civics, accords, and pretty much anything else they were driving? Well apparently that fad didn’t die for some. And the funniest/stupidest part about it is that you never see these spoilers on fast cars. Heck, you never even see them on nice cars.
Here’s a little tip: if your car can’t even break 100 mph, you have no business putting any sort of “aerodynamic” mods.
Ballin Rims, Broke Ride
Plain and simple, if your rims are worth more than your ride, you are a loser. Bonus points if you had to modify the car further in order to fit the rims under it. Extra douche points if your car needs body work done or has more than 1 color of paint on it, especially since you deemed it more important to get those dubs than to fix the ride.
Coffee Can Exhaust
First off, your civic isn’t fast. You know it and I know it. Second, I hear your exhaust wining as if you were accelerating, but you aren’t going any faster. What’s that about? Third, you wake me up when you drive by, but that noise doesn’t fool anyone. I could take off in 3rd gear and still beat you, and my car isn’t even that fast… Lose the coffee can exhaust.
Body Kits Installed Before Painted
Seriously, nobody thinks your bright-colored car with a black front bumper is cool. Rip it off, paint it, and bolt it back on, so we can continue making fun of you for spending money on a body kit for a car worth about as much as the body kit itself…
Fake Badges
First off, having a V-tech, GT-R, Turbo, Cobra, or any other performance version of any type of car is fine. But slapping the badge on your base model ride is just ridiculous. If you drive a base model focus/civic/corolla/(insert cheap car here), that’s fine. Rep your ride. But when you perpetrate a car that’s only a couple of Gs more than the ride you’ve got, as if that somehow boosts your cool points, you just look dumb. Extra douche points if you rep a badge claiming something that doesn’t exist, like “turbo” on a ford focus, or “V8″ on a corolla.
Lowering Your Pickup
It’s a pick up truck for God’s sake. You do get the concept of a pick up truck, right? Cut that shit out!
Hanging Testicles from your Car/Truck
We get it, you’re a douchebag with small testes. Do you really need to compensate that much? All we get from your trucks balls is that you have a very small penis, and for that we are sorry.
Visible LEDs and Neons
Ok, so you got your new sentra (new to you, it’s actually a 96…). Now it’s time to mod it out, like they do in the movies. What’s first? Neon lights of course. But rather than installing it right, just slap it on somewhere with duct tape or a zip tie. Who cares if we can see the light bulb, that’s not the point. The point is that you are awesome and everyone should know it. Extra bonus points if you added an LED bar to your back license plate and we can see those bulbs as well. Loser.
Spinning Rims
Remember these? I wish I didn’t, but some people still rock them. Spinning rims are the equivalent of wearing Ed Hardy tees. They lasted a little while, but anyone caught sporting them after their time is automatically a douchebag.
Installing HIDs on Your Non-HID headlights
Ever see a Lexus or BMW with those bright, crystal colored headlights that seem to turn night into day? Me too, they look pretty awesome. Now, have you ever been blinded by them? Not likely, since they were manufactured in a manner that makes them work correctly. But, have you ever been blinded by the same colored lights on a civic or mustang? Yes you have. Wanna know why? Because that douchy dude got on ebay, bought the cheapest HID bulbs and ballasts he could find, and slapped them in his headlight housing. Since his headlights were made for halogen bulbs and not HID, the aim of the light is off, and everyone driving in the opposite direction of him is blinded.
But hey, at least he got the 16 year old girl he was waiting outside the highschool for. Damn pedophile.
Fender Grills
Either Buick or Oldsmobile come with them from the factory, I can’t remember which. It doesn’t look cool on those cars, so why would your 1998 Monte Carlo look any different? But that’s not all folks. The funniest part is that the amount of holes is meant to match the amount of cylinders, so if it’s a 6 cylinder engine, there would be 3 grill holes on each side. Apparently people don’t realize that, because it’s funny to see 6 holes on a civic, and even funnier to see only 4 holes on a suburban.
“I’ll just slap some of these side grills on my old piece of junk, that’ll make it awesome, right?!”
Bass It Up
“Beatin down yo block knockin pictures off ya wall.” Ok so you’ve spent 3k on your new car and you are determined to make it awesome. How? By going to the flea market and buying the biggest subwoofer you can afford with the $200 in your pocket. So you get your sub and amp, install it, and then wow. It basses so hard! You are now the awesomest dude you know. Except that you can’t hear the music anymore, because the bass drowns out the speakers in your car. That’s ok, because everyone else around you can hear the bass, and they know you’re cool, right? Wrong.
Well there you have it folks, the stupidest things you can do to make your car “awesome” right now. I’m sure I’ve inspired some of you to do even gayer things to your car, so that you may appear on my next blog post. Go forth and douche it up!
